amidst of anguish and rage

Past Life

2010-12-23T10:07:00.004+08:00

In our college gym when the whole class was busy doing the PE activity. As usual,the boys was standing outside the building having their yosi break.

I was like invisible but trying to mingle with my close mates there. Suddenly, the bell rang and everybody's on their way to the dressing room to change.

On my way to the boarding, while walking across I saw him laughing with some friends and seems we don't know each other. I noticed myself watching this familiar face.

Oh yes i remember him. He was somebody in my past.

I was like watching a film of his life.

Then suddenly,he was riding on a tricycle, then decided stop by the mango tree. He removed his shirt and joined a woman carrying a baby boy seating beside a little girl. They're both looking happy, smiling at each other.

And lots and lots of photos flashing in front me. Happy faces and joyful life. I got mixed emotion.

Finally, as I open my eyes. I realized, it was just a dream.

I decided to seat by the side of our bed.

Even in dreams God wants to remind me that I should not forget the past.
I don't feel any angst or not even furious about that scenes in my dream, but it made me realize I am so happy that even my subconscious tested me.

I am having an amnesia of the small details happened seven years ago. Seems I am really enjoying my present life.

I am so blessed. I can feel it I am thankful for everything. I am ready for my 2011 facing life of having a new family, starting my dreams again.

Soul Vacation

2010-10-28T10:33:00.002+08:00

now am back from my soul vacation. i refused to put my pains and angst in here for the past years. i refused to share my alter ego to face my own weakness and fears. i decided to work on my "moving on" stage and letting go of this rage.

i swear, i'm angry as hell. im full of regrets. i even wanted that someone be dead, i wish he’ll end his life not with some heart attack or stroke but die on a terrible death, hit by 18 wheeler truck like that.. I want him suffer a lot. But I end up, healing myself, working hard for my precious one, dreaming again, and renewing self respect, most of all learned from this mistake and forgive.

Hell yeah, I decided to forgive but NOT forget. After all, that angst created too much wrinkles and blackheads, consumed 5kilos of my weight, caused me two year worth of callus in my hands and toes, pushed me beyond my limits and mold me into more mature person.

I consume my time reading and collecting books again. I even bought all the shoes I wanted to wear, oh of course the dresses and all that kikay stuff. I bake my cakes and cupcakes again. I’m glad I decided to play some musical instrument and embrace the artist side of me. I travelled a lot. Felt like im fifteen again. That five year relationship trapped my entire life like im on a blackhole. God’s good, He helped me a lot on my struggles.

I do still hate his guts. I can see that at this point he’s the one making things complicated. My son longed for a dad. I don’t take that away from him. I respect the father and son relationship is necessary. But he’s not worthy for somebody like him, who refuse to support him, who don’t bother to buy for a pair of shoes he asked from his dad. Not to mention the educational books I invested for my son’s future, he refuse to give it back.

One early morning after my son’s vacations in his father’s house, my sister asked me to call because my son was crying and asking where I was. I’m so worried and almost cried. She told me that he kept saying ‘Galit na mommy ko. Tita lamz galit na mommy ko’ while crying. Where did he get that? who the hell freaking stupid told him that I am angry and with whom?

I decided to calm myself down and talked to him over the phone, I ask why he’s crying. He didn’t answer me back maybe he’s still worried about me. So diverted the topic to his schooling and about the new songs he learned from teacher Agnes. I even asked him about his short vacation with his dad. He told its fine and he met his baby brother. I told him, that I’m not angry, that dad is happy so he must not worry about me.

Almost wanted to fly home after that call, I realized my son was worried and so sensitive ( at age of three). I know, he has a clue that its over for me and his dad. I wasn’t ready to explain it to him this time, but im willing to share everything slowly.

I thought I was piece of nonsense loser, some unlucky bitch when some people take everything away from me. but I’m stronger now. And I won’t put my guard down. I have my son.I am actually complete

Come Whatever May in my Summer 2010

2010-03-29T16:23:00.005+08:00

I'm sure I’m so blessed and excited about my life because of:

1. Falling in love over and over again with Jer.

2. Laughing so hard til my face hurts during Mom's Cake Performance at freedom bar last Come Whatever May Gig. I love the "Panget" song.

3. Taking hot shower with a terrible muscle pain because of mosh pit last Saturday..

4. Coz its 3AM and I can't wait to embrace Quin. Oh Bed Bed Bed.

5. Glad Hearing one of my favorite song (mystery by indigo girls) on the radio while writing this.

6. A long distance phone call from my son telling me "mommy bring taptip, ubos AA taptip. No more Taptip", ang sabi nya bring home cupcakes because Ashley eat all his taptip (he's referring to cupcake).

7. Had a good conversation with jeremine while trying to sleep.

8 Of Course the Beach. Calaguas here we come!!

9. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful because you’re wearing dress, while you're actually paired summer ruffled skirt with razorback. I lurve it.

10. Seeing Friends. Having lots of beautiful friends!!

11. Having my first kiss for the day and everyday, how bout that?

12. Baking lot and lots of cupcakes. And attending parties for chocolate bliss (chocolate fountains)

13. Spent time with close friends, old friends, girl friends, inuman friends and best friend.

14. Holding hands with someone you care about while you’re wasted and can't make a straight walk.

15. I can't wait to watch sunrise and sunset at the beach. Rempiolas I miss you. Calaguas I can't wait to see you.

more about memory.. T,T

2009-12-12T16:51:00.000+08:00

found this mail draft in my oldest email, my tears begun to fall. I missed my best friend. and six years becomes a history, my pain of losing her stays like fresh wound.
and every time she visits me in my dream, she smile and give me a hug. Maybe telling "hoy bja don't give up".
and the bja she used to call, a person who used to drop to dead laughing with her is the vianca now who loves to be with angst.

damn..help me forget about anger, help me cut away the mistake i kept worrying about.
move on. forward

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to: chimes_a1@yahoo.com; 4/12/04 3:29PM
subject: miss kita...
wen,

sana na ee mail p kita tulad ng dati..sana tulad pa rn ng dati n khit mgkatabi lng tau ng computer ng chachat p rn tau..kso feeling ko hindi lng miles ang layo natin s isat isa... billion bilion of light years pa.... hindi ko madefine ang nararamdamn ko...hindi ko malamn bkit kahit anong banggit nila ng katotohanan na lagi k lng dw anjan..hnd ko pa rin matnggap n ur totally gone...alam ko mas masaya jan..alam ko n ang selfish pg di ko pa natatanggap n ala k n s mundo...n masaya ka na..na hindi n kita nayayakap o makakarga o matatapon o mahahawakan o makakaway o mkkcgawan o mkk usap o makakantahan o m22g2gan ng gitara o makakasayaw ng larosso o mkksama s review kpg my exam o mkksabay sa isang trip o mkksabay mag lunch mn lng o malilibre s jobee o graceland o maglaro s toms world... bat ba ang lungkot ng ganito. ilang taon k b sis umalis?? db 2 yrs na?? bkt parang kahapon lng...bkit parang knina lng???? ang dami ko ng tanong..bkit d ko masagot??

sana kita tau sa cross road..hntayini mo ako jan ha?? i mssed you a lot...

i love you khit d k naniniwala sakin...

bja

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I stop the world and melt alone

2009-10-24T23:54:00.002+08:00

I sleep all day, over. damn.its the worst thing a beautiful creature on earth would do. but it's so relaxing to lie down in my bed dreaming, wondering and drowning my self into the milkyway of worries and happiness.

Indeed, i wasted my one day salary [under] pay. In a tick of that little long hand, takes my mind into places and time. Where universe collide. No bounderies. No Speed Limit.Going nowhere but here.

This melt down helped me take my little step, to huge hope for better days.
EMOTERA

Worry Not

2009-05-15T07:36:00.004+08:00

Feb 18 '09

Just when you know you wanted to handle things plain and simple,
the situation and people correlates around you seems complicate everything..
while you sought to make others happy then abruptly you hurt them maybe involuntary
but still you’ve created pain.

Don’t worry the bottom line is because you care

Unexpectedly it turns out the other way around.
Unexpectedly you made a mistake.

Don’t worry we’re all not perfect.

Just when you assume you already gave your finest shot
But still not enough
And so you feel worned out, has nothing to give.
Has nothing to prove, a total loser.

Don’t worry, God has a plan

Everything has reason, still try.
And when you anticipated being just real
But afterward you found out it’s a big piece of phony shit.
Feeling intimidated, feeling gibberish.

Worry Not, you’re worthy enough to be needed by others.

Fotget the Missing

2009-01-27T21:21:00.003+08:00

Do you ever think about me..
Do you ever cry yourself to sleep...
Are you calling out my name?
Ohh.. Forget Him
Forget his name, Forget his face
Forget his kiss
His warm embrace
Forget the love that you once knew
Remember he has some one new
Forget him when they played your song
Remember when you cried all night long
Forget how close you are together
Remember he has chosen her
Forget how you memorized his walk
Forget the things he used to say
Remember he has gone away
Forget his love forget his grin
Forget the dimples on his chin
Forget the way he held you tight
Remember he's with her tonight
Forget the time went so fast
Forget the love that moved its past
Forget he said he'd leave you never
Remember he's gone forever

satin thin patience

2008-11-28T09:31:00.004+08:00

Before I jump off the bus heading to Cubao Araneta Terminal, my head spinning into some circumstances. I might find my life so miserable and painful for the long year of 2008 but all hope wasn't gone with the wind. I might take those struggles by running the circles and for sure no regret.

It's kinda hard for me to forgive people who hurt me this much. Giving me life this year soaked in my anger, marinated with pain and vengeance because of them. And, i swear I'm not over it. And if those spices makes me feel normal and complete, still i wanna take my step to something that might change what I used to want.

This crisps and the juice of my existence is all I can offer, the delight belongs to people i love the most. I might hated you and still finding my readiness to forgive, Nor loved you so please savor the sweetness that life can offer.

The need to take away all the angst and take 'em off me.

"Patience, come near me coz i been missing you. I might need yah anytime. I might change my name for yah. I might soak myself in stop my world for yah. For now, please just wait."

surviving the fears i owned

2008-09-16T12:24:00.004+08:00

"when the things gone wrong and all you have is anger..in an instant things will be forever mistake"

Once the words released it will never be yours..
been in a worst silent fight this weekend. almost died to leave alone without my baby. seems like water fading under the heat of the sun, Can't do anything but wait..wait..wait for the rain to save me.

I am about to give up the life i choose to live, I can't imagine myself not with my baby johan. I even decided to stay (with this fear to his dads attitude) just to take away the tears in my baby's eyes. I don't feel anything but pain. Phobia is embracing me. Bone is weaken by raging fears.

Am i being loved or what? I don't seek for love I guess. Just respect.

I'm cryin' out for help.

365 days counting in US Autoparts

2008-08-22T12:25:00.003+08:00

The 365 days of being here in US Autoparts is a long struggle,proving that i am in a fight and "giving up" has no room as long as I exist.

From Being a subdued Senior Data Analyst to Assistant Analyst, IR harvest and memo to victor accomplishment, 5% Self Esteem to 100% trust from big boss, from bloody nightmare to bright Morning Light.

I am not so sure if I owned the so called fulfillment but I guess I have a lot to give and still sharing.

Thanks to Big Boss for entrusting me these team, these category. For helping me win the confidence.

my response for SONA 2008 - Dear Mrs. President

2008-07-28T23:48:00.005+08:00

"Dear Mr. President"
Pink
Featuring: Indigo Girls Lyrics
Songwriters: Mann, Billy; Moore, Alecia B;

Dear Mr. President
Come take a walk with me
Let's pretend we're just two people and
You're not better than me
I'd like to ask you some questions if we can speak honestly

What do you feel when you see all the homeless on the street
Who do you pray for at night before you go to sleep
What do you feel when you look in the mirror
Are you proud

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye
How do you walk with your head held high
Can you even look me in the eye
And tell me why

Dear Mr. President
Were you a lonely boy
Are you a lonely boy
Are you a lonely boy
How can you say
No child is left behind
We're not dumb and we're not blind
They're all sitting in your cells
While you pave the road to hell

What kind of father would take his own daughter's rights away
And what kind of father might hate his own daughter if she were gay
I can only imagine what the first lady has to say
You've come a long way from whiskey and cocaine

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye
How do you walk with your head held high
Can you even look me in the eye

Let me tell you bout hard work
Minimum wage with a baby on the way
Let me tell you bout hard work
Rebuilding your house after the bombs took them away
Let me tell you bout hard work
Building a bed out of a cardboard box
Let me tell you bout hard work
Hard work
Hard work
You don't know nothing bout hard work
Hard work
Hard work
Oh

How do you sleep at night
How do you walk with your head held high
Dear Mr. President
You'd never take a walk with me
Would You?

--- and after the SONA 2008, all I can sing now is this song...perfect just for you

The Joker spares me some courage..

2008-07-25T15:40:00.010+08:00

Got out of the theatre at 7:45PM with RC and whew It’s raining outside.I decided to indulge the trill of the Joker. And yeah, now I know why I love rage and bliss. It makes me complete. I think I need to barrow his knife to put a smile on my face every single lone moment. Its simple and clear, emotion is easy to deal with. Brain and Emotion can have team work, and anticipate for the finest.I laugh for I wasted my time the most for emotion I guess. I didn’t realize since the may 20, 1984 that I can handle things light when I wanted to.The Joker for sparing me some courage to face anger and joy again, to play with my fears and weaknesses while waiting for the surprise.Sweeney Teej(tjcafuir) missed to post review for The Dark Knight Flickside. Darn, I asked the Captain and he’s busy with so called WORK.I even asked him if he can play likeTHE JOKER.And guess what, Exceed the limit for Johnny Depp.

The Fight Is Over

2008-07-16T09:26:00.008+08:00

Urbandub

When the fighting is over
Coz our mouths have just run dry
As our feelings get colder
There is nothing to hold us now
Gave all this time
Just to be let down

Can you explain to me
What has become of us
With words released
We can never take them back
(For all that we're worth now)
Not even pleading can save us

I know you'll meet someone better
But would you still think of me
If he can't hold you like I did
Would you run back to me
Yes I know this pain shall pass
Gave all this time
Still we couldn't last

How could we end this
Way our promises thrown away
All the years we've built
Broken up see it crashing down
I have to say though alone
In this crazy sea of faces
It's still your face I wanna know

AlluRing dark side

2008-06-18T08:40:00.001+08:00

Just in time, when Tris (he’s in Sykes now) asked me how’s everything going on here in data was the moment I wasn’t feeling well. He suggested continuing the plan we had (to pay somebody to kick that bastard off of his dark plans in destroying his team member’s morale).

Yeah, true that anger will not fade but instead scar my being for the rest of my life (Same with Tris). We’re victims of badass attitude problem. The more often I saw the reason of this scar the more it reminds me of the pain. If that reason will not stop destroying my record here in the office well, no regret of fulfilling that dark side of vianca.

Really, I am asking for His guidance coz I promised not to take vengeance after saving me from that despair. I know this anger is alluring. Really, I am starving for badass agony.

It’s easier to put it here, easier to write than saying to somebody’s face.

But distressing to admit you’re all that I have this time, my anger.

"Parang Kayo, Pero Hindi"

2008-06-10T22:07:00.003+08:00

minutes ago i decided to read my old emails. and found this one.
feels like sharing 'em to you guys..

learn and be happy to whatevah type of realtionship you wanted.

"Parang Kayo, Pero Hindi"

She is a 24-year old copywriter. He is an architect.
They met and became lovers in college. They broke up last year but
remained to be "friends."

They send sweet text messages and he calls her often to make sure
she's okay. They still date. They still have sex.

They don't see anyone else. It is obvious that they still love each
other but when asked about their situation, she doesn't
know the real score. Even

her friends are in the dark. "Parang sila, pero hindi."

She works in a telecom. He is reviewing for the board. They are in
the same barkada. They talk on the phone till 4 am. He gives
her chocolates, flowers and CDs even when there is no occasion. Their
friends are suspecting something. Bakit sila nagsosolo kapag may
overnight inuman? Why does he hold her close on the dance floor? Bakit sila
magkaholding hands lagi?

Sila kaya?

"He hasn't admitted anything," she rants. "But I let him hug and kiss me.

Parang kami, pero hindi."

They work together in an ad agency. After office, they would watch
movie, have dinner and stroll at Glorietta. She gave him Harry Potter books
for his birthday in exchange for posing as her boyfriend to make an ex
jealous. They made out during the company outing in Subic and
never talked about it. He said "I love you" once but she wasn't sure if she
heard him correctly because they were both drunk then. But one thing
she is sure of is her feelings for him. She likes him. And she's
assuming that with what he's doing to her and with her, he likes her, too. There's just one hitch: he has a girlfriend!

She is a 28-year-old virgin. He's a 35-year-old bachelor. Both mountaineers,
they became close during their climbs. After a few dates in posh
restaurants, he brings her to his condo where they would make out.

They have been doing this for months. She wants to believe
that "sila na" but then she's not really sure about it. "We don't talk about
it but it doesn't really matter," she'd tell her friends. "What's
important is I am enjoying this -- whatever it is."

The "parang kayo, pero hindi" stage. Others call it MU or mutual
understanding। Pseudo-relationships. Pseudo- boyfriends.

Read more......

Radiance flame

2008-06-10T19:09:00.002+08:00

For the life i knew makes me feel so empty at the same time remarkable, i run out of strength during my roller coaster ride with careers and life's relationship. I lost my self esteem but a friend help me renew myself, lots of comrade help me regain my self-respect.

I don't heal my wounds I let em scar me, I don't wipe my tears instead let the sun and time dried my pains.

My silence now is crowded of worries of losing lots of important friend and noisier cause of flooding ideas and pressures. And my life now is definitely challenging.

Perhaps I have to face these changes and prove May that I can manage to savor the gift (equivalent exchange), hehe a price to pay.

I thank God for saving me always.

Whew!! I love may.

And June's giving me lots of small surprises. I must be ready for everyday's reward.

Anway.

I met Shane Evangelist (US Autoparts Network-CEO) I think two weeks ago..the funny conversation with him together with the smartest people of Marketing department (Sir Mike Villar n team, also Pink SEO Ma'am Riz Sanchez) boost the shy vianca into strong willed and continuous fighter. Thanks to them.

Shades of black

2008-06-07T19:07:00.003+08:00

---

Felt so tired…feeling wasted
I demand for rest but I don’t want to sleep
I demand for relaxing music but don’t have anybody to join me
I demand for silence but seems its nosier than what I’m expecting
I even wanted to run my life out of this exchange
Just for a minute or two
So I can breath deep and easy

But true… this is what I really wanted
Honestly I’m starting to fall in love it with this so called work..

Equivalent Exchange (no more escape mechanism)

2008-05-29T16:35:00.007+08:00

Wait…while am on a fast lane
I realized.
I didn’t pay much attention to simple things.
I missed the way wind blew cold breeze toward my chin
I can't recall how nice the heat of sun kisses me.
Or how the stars look like while scattered above the earth at night.

Just a moment ago i spent little time in terrace
where I used to waste my (yosi)break period in GY
maybe I’ve been missing bonding moments with my friends
or maybe I owned little qualm with my decision

but i believe what Alphonse Elric said “Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving
something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy's first law of Equivalent Exchange.”
In every thing I wish to own, I should pay equal amount of penny to have ‘em.
No such thing as perfect decision.

I now, savor the taste of my answered prayers.

While on the top of the RCC center. No more city lights, Only bright sun.
No more pain, only Hope.
No more anger, only morbid vianca.
Haha. I guess im on a two way right track,
No need to drown myself under the rain
with a ticket for a runaway train.

new chapter: this is what prayers can do

2008-05-21T22:58:00.005+08:00

though the patience wearings thin. but as i pray.. felt like the answers rollin in..

I pretty much busy since last week.im in fast phase and even I hate bein in roller coaster but still my lifes changes now is definitely like am riding on it.

I was transferred to morning shift and different team. And hey this what I wanted, to be outta catprep outta misery and depression.

I am doin a very different task, working with different people and leader

But I’ll be missing Tristan, bernadetth and the rest of the catprep (except HIM)

Truly I am happy right now. All have to do now is let my capability to exceed the limit on my part.

By the way im 24 (last may 20) and things been working affectively..and perfect

Need to be careful with every decision to be made. i pray to ask for assistance.

Ill see you next time

redefine

2008-05-11T11:10:00.011+08:00

defining how dreams came true

TJ Cafuir

2008-05-08T17:30:00.005+08:00

Sweeney played a big part of my being,in every single pain and joy i have his a part of it..His blog inspires me a lot

my decision my life my self-esteem

and every time I need to boost my confidence..i just have to read the TJ Cafuir’s the life and times and Half the World Away.

And as he holds back my worth, as he trims down my anger, he keeps my emotion in balance

Whenever this vianca fell down, stumble and bruises covered.

All she needs to do was read over and over and over again the “dear vianca”, so she can regain in time and no need for forever to wait just to ease the pain.

Thanks a lot my friend . . . for helping me survive this one.

I know you don’t have any idea. But hey, it was you who helped me a lot.

crashed morbid

2008-05-03T19:55:00.003+08:00

..i wanna cry
i just can't let this tears fall
seems like always dark inside and out..
..always cloudy
i want a shoulder to cry on.
i want somebody to tell me
.. Keep holding On

perhaps, I got my shoulder to tap myself.
perhaps, I got YOU to talk with.

sick and tired of this game...

2008-04-24T21:35:00.003+08:00

Its too hot in my pad, I can’t sleep
I was thinking what if …hmm
Head off to the office earlier was really a brilliant idea
And sleep there (hihihi)
I stayed in the girl’s quarter from 4:00 pm.
Damn, 4 hours earlier for my shift.
Felt bored to death.
I asked my friends in “data” to join me watch movie or something
Forbidden is now showing.
Unlucky I am. Nobody wants to join me. Hay….

I slept. Alone and was thinking of nobody. No social life na ako.
(putik walang trill)
I dreamt of jet li, the monkey king was grinning annoyingly.
Grrr…

I woke up at around 8:50pm.
My body’s like burning in hell.
And I’m not feeling well.
I’m sick but I decided to stay to work.

P.S.
A team mate will be leaving us soon. He passed sykes. Hey tris I’ll miss you for sure.
One of the jesters of the team, He makes us laugh all the time.
I guess. Nice move right?

I was wondering if tj’s team survived the “screwey dewey”. hmmm
I haven’t visited his page yet.

8 hours again …. What am Igoin' to do now?

2008-04-23T06:12:00.002+08:00

Cat. Prep Task : zero
Auto research : kinda boring & not in the mood to sort out auto news
Chat mode : putik wala man lang maasar. And take note I am not allowed to chat huhu
Post a blog entry: nyay! I can't, pass biers kept looking at my monitor ( makes me feel as if being spied on) pero pede.
Sound trip: stirring my sleepy hallows with rnb slow jamz and phunks.
Surfing the net: blog hopping (pretending that I was searching about cars har har)

BreaKING MomEnt:

#1 huwhat? He's getting married?!!

Grrrrrr. Savvy is getting married?? Err. Hated myself for not knowing it in time,
Hated myself so much 'cause I can't do anything na but to get jealous. (hehe parang tanga lang)
Yeah. Thanks to atomicgirl for the info. If not because of your post hindi ko malalaman.

#2 feeling SEO na rin ba ako?

vianca_Ü (4/22/2008 11:16:35 AM): pede restore ung stat ng server,,eh kng mdami kaung company around the world mag aapeal,.,kc parang back to basic n nmn.sisimula n nmn..dhil s testing testing...nwala pinaghirapan nyo. system restore sila sa date bgo ang dewey
sWÉnny Teej.. (4/22/2008 11:19:46 AM): wow
sWÉnny Teej.. (4/22/2008 11:19:46 AM): seo ka narin

we're discussing about the dewey test of google. Pang SEO ba pinagsasabi ko? hmm

Since 2004 I start posting blogs over blogdrive. I use ms.vianca there. Every other month I tried to google the keyword ms.vianca. Well I'm pretty sure im not the only vianca in this vast World Wide Web, but weeee…I always get real good result. My ms.vianca.blogdrive.com was in the top 5 result.

I was fooling myself. Why? I don't have so called readers. Haha. Ohh to be fair some commented telling me "hey ms.vianca you inspired me a lot". Amf.. did I?? Haha. I don't know.

Then, after how many years I tried it again. Googled ms.vianca, in a blast my multiply ranks #1. Well, I don't like my multiply though I signed up there because of my 'insan. Rank 2 is my blodrive ( I missed it). And yepeeyy blogspotbelongs to top 3, which my current blog.

Well, I tried reading old entries in my blogdrive. I was surprised, I didn't improved that much. Huhu. My bad. Seems like sayin "I'm stagnant". My style, my anger, my happy moments, my secret letters, lyrics and poems and approaches are just the same.

The results telling me that my blogs are dead. Meaning has no competitors (hihi) , no trill, definitely unique and near to extinct. Huhu. I don't have the talent for SEO or webcopy writing. damn I'm actually planning to change my career track coz my current path makes me feel stupid. hay, Care dead.

#3 halukayin. Pepsi paluma experiment's vocalist Ahmad.

I accidentally jump off to a blog named "emote control" by ahmad xiv. His post captured my interest. I scrolled up and down. Then read a poetic post. He was talking bout legazpi, whew!! he compiled my homesickness. I missed home. And the face, he looks familiar. Weee, the vocalist of pepsi paluma experiment. I'm a fan of pepsi paluma. Way back in college, during yearly OVERLOAD event of Bicol University engineering, I always find them rockin' there.

What small world huh?

Hmm.. Everytime I do blog hopping and find some bicolanos and Filipinos who write and blog remarkably. It flatters me. It encourage me to be the best blogger I could be.it makes me feel proud being in this place. (mabuhay..!!) har har

im back..im okay now. ready to post again. i missed the comrade in usap data & catalog morning shift.

i missed yoishiro. i missed sorsogon. i missed siblings and parents. i missed snhs batch 2001. i missed ADAKRABS. i missed smart noc people. i missed cousins.

ayan may nagawa na ako.... pero

ba't ang emo ko ngayon???

masked...obscured..

2008-04-22T20:48:00.004+08:00

unleashed.reveal my pain.let the darkness cover me.

Was looking in distant
Suddenly
Saw your face just in front of mine
Skeptical. Frozen cold by that stare

Swallowed the smoke, almost choked
Wear a weirdest grin ever
To fool you that it was just nothing.

A warm hello was finally said
Whew, I stammered
Lucky I am, you didn’t notice
I can’t breathe
Lucky I am, I can handle this.

We started a conversation
That will end up nowhere but
Silence

My minds lucid
My heartbeats racing
Perfect, I acted normal.

Didn’t you notice that, I’m tryin to be normal
Screwed up
In regret I am now.

april 21 08

wait and bleed

2008-04-20T10:40:00.010+08:00

halos madurog na utak ko kaka-analisa ng auto parts fit. whew..pansamantalang lunurin ang sarili sa mga musikang nakakabingi.
nanahimik... nagiisip... nagsosolo...
nakinig ng radyo..

biglang ng gm(group message) sa ym si gino. ang sabi "If you have known somebody you wanna give slap on a face who would that be and why?" (itama nyo ko kung mali pagkakabaybay..basta yan ang pagkakaintini ko).

hindi ko napigilan ang aking mga daliri nagtatype ako ng sagot ko sa random question.
tsuk..
sent..
abah..sampal lang ba ang hinihingi, pwede bang durugin ang mukha ng taong nabanggit ko. hihi. (nagpapasaway ka na naman vianca, baka naman gusto mo umani ulit ng sandmakmak na IR).
har har, IR ulit ito.

nagnilay nilay. nag-isip ulit. mag-busy busyhan.
nag-aral ulit ng auto parts fit.
inaantok na.
pinalitan ang playlist. nag old-school rock metal na lang.

nabigla.halos sikuhin ako ng malakas ni tristan. ang sabi "bat mo sinabi". ito naman si tanga nagtanong "ang alin tris??".
sabay napatingin sa screen may ng pm(personal message) ng team mates.
team8_5: sana hindi narinig ni dems.
team8_2: gino: i wanna spank badass cause of power trippings says lvjdong

nyay...

inalis ko ang aking earphone.
wapak!! naka-loud speaker pala ang cellphone ni team8_4 at nakikinig ang buong team ng rx.
whew... natawa ako bigla. nagpapanik ang buong sambayan.

team8_1: bakit ikaw lang ang nabanggit. lahat kami sumagot dun eh.

binulungan ako ni team8_2: "ang tanga mo". sabay ngisi.

kung tutuusin, wala nang ibang lalakas pa sa apog ko. opinion lang naman lahat ng iyon. masama ba? nagagalit na ba?eh guilty sya.

P.S.
lipat na sa pang-umaga si arcie. hmmm. nag-iiyak sya kasi mamimiss ang tropa.mamimiss din namin sya.pero malamang aantayin lang naman sya in the morning.

hmm. ako kaya kelan lilipat?? (oist viankikay wag nang mag-daydreaming magkakatigyawat ka nyan)

_blank_

2008-04-14T16:37:00.006+08:00

im missing someone...let me guess who??
wahhh....

i guess it's YOU

recently talked ( or chat I mean) to my best friend
everything changed. But no matter what she's definitely one of binary codes that come and go inside my e-brain. never a day or week that i ask myself how is she doin' or feelin' right now.
though she forgot about me (huhuh emoticon ito). She focused on her new life’s chapter.

I missed the moment we getaway, stayed in a beach resort, talked chit-chat laugh and reminiscent all night long. We jumped off against wave until we get drowned laughing. We gossip and laugh at other peoples gaffe (yeah we’re bad). We stayed home overnight talking about our sorrows, pains and heart aches. We even managed to dream for the future adventure. Hmmm…I know we’re still dreaming.

Hey yeah.. len I missed yah!! I swear I do….

»»» Welcome to Éxistence «««

2008-04-11T12:39:00.005+08:00

Just a very tiring day yesterday, I spent the whole day buying my bros needs for his training (he’s going to be a marine yey) and getting his requirements done. I was amazed with my bro as we face the hard time convincing the lawyer to permit us process his affidavit, his tears fell down. Hmm…”hey brad what’s happening?” I asked. Well he said he’s tryin’ to act as if he’s tough and all while he’s not and he’ll going to miss us while on training. Coz you know what? There’s definitely no communication from this day on until a month, then next three months, and definitely no music, argg. I can’t stand that. Well it’s time for him to facade what life is outside school campus, outside real world.

»»»»»

(*sigh)

I reach the office the almost late. GY (grave yard shift again) I felt wasted and all. I fell asleep most of the time (Shh..Please keep it a secret), so to keep my brain kickin’ I decided to read sWÉnny Teej’s half the world away. Then, when my brain cells starts arguing against each other that’s the time I study about engine and other car parts. By the way sWÉnny Teej (TJ Cafuir) is my idol in blogging world (definitely not inday hahaha).

»»»»

Whew.. as the clock ticks the minutes away, my heads spinning faster.

Welcome to existence vianca. My vein is morbid now and it doesn’t feel fine this time. I felt like I wanna drown myself with beers and norah jones or Michael bublÉ's ♫ in the background. I want a beer “in a cup of tea moment” type. Alone or with friends. I wanna laugh out this anxiety and exhaustion to make me feel relax and ready to start four stroke engine of my life, again.

Intake the energy, good break and good knowledge all the time, to keep yourself ready for everything

Compress the obtained energy, good vibes and knowledge by putting self encouragement and accepting challenge.

Combustion phase. Fire my ego to boost my aptitudes and fighting "pilit" against every harm or trial.

Exhaust. There you go vianca. Release revenue to whatever/whenever it is needed (with good cause).

»»»»»

I honestly need a break. Hope my friends will join me when I ask for a La Union get away. Let’s try surfing (right vince?)

»»»»»

»» ardor adieu ««

2008-04-10T00:47:00.005+08:00

ººº ººº ººº ººº ººº ººº ººº ººº ººº ººº ººº ººº ººº ººº ººº

Seven Black Roses
by
Chicosci

When I leave, I wanna wait for the silence
You gave me all you've got
But now I stand here waving to you
and still you smile, you're still looking back
maybe I just wasn't kind enough
I'm fighting urges to fall again,
Yet I stumble
Yet I stumble

These roses died three days since
Black roses died, we said goodbye
These roses died three days since
Im sorry, I miss you

How do I remain complete
When all we bled is lost?
We could've burned the earth and sky
A second chance
The seconds spent
Each other's shadow, should've known
I'm fighting urges to fall again,
Yet I stumble
Yet I stumble

These roses died three days since
Black roses died, we said goodbye
These roses died three days since
Im sorry, I miss you

These roses died three days since
Black roses died, we said goodbye
These roses died three days since
Im sorry, I miss you

I miss you

I miss you

I missed you oh

Hear this I'm yours
I'm at your feet
Inside this heart you still remain
but faded letters are erased

These roses died three days since
Black roses died, we said goodbye
These roses died three days since
Im sorry, I miss you

ººº ººº ººº ººº ººº ººº ººº ººº ººº ººº ººº ººº

sleeping pills!!

2008-04-05T12:08:00.003+08:00

need pills.. arrgghhh!!!
i been waiting for my mind to get tired...i tried counting 1 to 1000 IMs popping out from nakamas... wheww!!
i even sang mellow , emo to kundiman.. hay!!!
i been tryin to read lots of half the world aways blog post... wahhhhh!!

hey..help me. can you sing me a lullaby to calm down my soul..
hey hey hey..

P.S.
Ü castaway chillin emötiön... thanks a lot to my cyber friend.

A week of wickedness

2008-04-03T06:06:00.006+08:00

Day 1 (3/23)

Too much emotion too much anger makes me feel numb. The pains almost crashed inside my system, and just one more sh** I will explode. But guess what. I decided not to utter and seated in one corner, wheeww!! Have I done far worst than what I think. My five incident reports almost destroy my sanity? I can’t imagine just absurdity incident will be attached in my 201 form. (Take note it’s a non work related s***)

And what hurts me the most is the reason of issuing me such thing the word “ang yabang kasi..nakakatawa lang” hmmm.

Day 2 (3/27)

But this:

Tj Cafuir (3/27/2008 5:27:29 PM): about your blog
Tj Cafuir (3/27/2008 5:27:35 PM): why all the hate?
Tj Cafuir (3/27/2008 5:27:40 PM): and negativity?

A cling that bang my ego in place

An awakening reality without warning

Hate is what I’m supposed to be but what a futile revelation.

Day 3 (3/28)

A discourse happened. I’m definitely drowning in ocean of chauvinism. A feeling of being alone mesmerized my soul.

I pretended that I was doing just fine. What a fake face I wore just to please the professional and personal schism.

Day 4 (3/29)

Days after the meeting (with the heart of corpo), slowly I crumpled down, optimism vanished, feels like no more words will satisfy this pain.

The more I pretend, the more the sting itch my bruises.

“vianca, are you sick? ‘Di ako sanay na ganyan ka” my colleague just muttered in the girls wash room. I just throw a distinct grin at her but then as I turned my back I wanna breakdown. I failed to control the rain the rolls down my cheek.

Day 5 (3/31)

I found myself drenched in oblivion.

But I was never alone, never since the first day of this impiety.

Handful of encouragement from my nakama was all over me, my bad I let emotion take hold and I refused to understand.

Because this is the first time that some stupid things penetrated my being and forced me into wickedness.

Day 6 (4/1)

I even refuse to listen to my own voice and there’s no good in faking everything. I don’t want to lose track just for this tiring anguish.

Day 7 (4/1)

I need to switch my foot not just forward but up high.

I wanna spread my wings of gratitude to hug every nakama who never leave me alone.

paroxysm

2008-03-23T21:40:00.008+08:00

hassshhhhh..

i just want to shout just beneath your ear..

to remind how painful the voice of distress catastrophe
let go of aggravate doom and give the hint of rampant fear
listen to my raging silence cause it demands for your agony!!

and if your ear failed to recognized my curse

i let your sixth sense feel my sentiment
and let your soul satisfied for torture thirst
every drop of my blood will witness for your bereavement

stitches and burns will be my evidence
for my existence will be your grieve
Exult for your luck is in time
but don't so persuaded,ominous kharma be retrieved

march 23 2008; 10:27pm
vianca

faint-of-heart

2008-03-17T00:08:00.006+08:00

Rain came rushing outside my window

With the wind blowing so slow

Wondering what lies within me

When I buried it inside deeply

I wasn't brave enough to let it go

I’m so scared for my secret hallow

So many reasons

Thousand of question

One by one they crosses inside my mind

That flew me away far behind

Every drop my tears, crying it out loud

but I wasn’t brave enough to reveal the sound d

I blew it, spread it in the air

So you can breathe me, 'cause I care

I’m not brave enough to say it with all my might

I wasn’t brave enough, i refuse to fight...

Take a sip from my drink called TEA-mid Melancholy

2008-03-12T00:54:00.008+08:00

This is my first time hanging around with strangers in front MIA’s passenger’s exit, waiting for Tito Rene’s arrival. I had been standing there for about an hour since I reached that place.

Waiting… waiting…waiting… I find myself busy noticing how people respond as they clutched hands with their suitcases, embrace and kiss each other, tears of joy running down their cheeks then suddenly laughing as they wipe it.

I grasp my chest and feel my heartbeat just to be sure if I’m still awake because I wasn’t used to this feeling I owned this moment in time. Am I missing something?

So, this is the feeling when somebody’s coming back home?

Unexpectedly, thousand of question crosses inside my mind. I hope papa find his way back home. Or are we still his home? It’s been six years since the last time we cheer our beers. I remember the first time he left Philippines for greener pasture. I was grade one then, I used to cry with his voice tape and letters. He went home every four years (long enough he fail to experience fatherhood). Until one day we grow and live life without his presence. But still we call or write letters.

I’m just wondering how people grew up and change, how older people manage emotion and simply go on with life’s goal. I’m really amazed how tough they are. But small leak will sink a ship. We don’t have to ignore missing moments to share with love ones.

Whew… Am I going to be like that someday? I hope not. Opps… I rather not.

Hope you enjoy as you gulp my thoughts.

PS!
Hey papa come home!! hehe..

2008-03-07T03:57:00.002+08:00

"We are not infinite
We are not permanent
Nothing is immediate
We are so confident in our accomplishments
Look at our decadence "

lyrics from switch foot's song entitled "Gone"

it reminds me of keeping my foot on ground as usual
to reach for my dream and chase for the life's purpose
but be humble and simple
to be whatever my hearts crave for
and gain the respect of my existence.

to facade the ordeal of life
and have faith for the divine creator
his plan his will his way...

searching but not missing....

2008-03-05T02:57:00.009+08:00

only few...but beauty can be just around you

just about to begin the war of patience..

2008-03-04T07:34:00.004+08:00

i guess i need to sell tupperware to DR.Man so pink 5 together with the bioman will survive. We cant fight this time..we need to prepare for the future resbak. haha Am i making sense ?? i guess not. har har. we decided to give ourselves alias so we can talk secretly against badass Dr. Man. hahahaha

well, in the graveyard shift again. i bet they missed me.(wahahha kapal) hmmm. i need to be strong and be prepared for badass Dr. Mans resbak. i'll just wait for it.

hmm.. i slept for about 3 hours during my shft. i know im bad.. =)

hey..hope you enjoy play list. those were my fave artist and genre.

corrupted mind heart and soul..

2008-02-27T16:24:00.003+08:00

My mind shut down, as I’ve realized I was stocked as a junk in the past 6 months. Being threatened by selfish badass, lowered my self esteem by his stupid mouth, or simply trying to destroy me slowly…but take note I’m wiser than yesterday.

Hearts bleeding keep bleeding for the unexpected miseries. Hurting for the verity that we’re (including my 4 other friends) in between two (pains in our ass) leech. They’re building their career by standing on top our head. Using their member/co-workers as their stepping stone.

And the mere fact that I spend too little time bonding with my girl friends makes me feel a little too sad. Nah, I mean very gloomy. I missed Grave yard Shift…

Soul shaking??? Hahaha.. TJ is kinda soul shaking type of person. He caught my eyes through his curly hair. I’m weird. He stole my heartbeat by expressive stare. I’m a secret admirer. I’ve known his deep emo through his blogspot..damn. Well. Admiration?? My way of telling you you’re cool and brilliant.

mourning hearts day (goin to miss them)

2008-02-14T20:36:00.001+08:00

im not feeling fine..im not feeling okay..

i dont wana be sad...want to enjoy the time im with my team mates and friends in GY..coz im pretty sure im going to miss the people here..though some of my team mates makes me feel stupid and brainless..nway i guess i dont have to let my emotion take hold evrything..

i must enjoy my las two day..and hey!! its valentines day.. i must be happy...enough to gain my mood for today.
though i cant help it..mamimiss ko ang mga tawo dgd..shit n life pero i must face it.. im not happy go lucky...i make things easy easy.i just know how to be happy to lessen wringles haha...i dont want to feel the pressure this time...ive had enough bite of rage in my last 6 months..F******* am not part of his property.. hes a badass..

haha...you cant destroy me that easy..

out, in between my brain and my pain

2008-02-13T02:19:00.001+08:00

Just when you know you wanted to handle things plain and simple,

the situation and people correlates around you seems complicate everything..

while you sought to make others happy then abruptly you hurt them maybe involuntary

but still you've created pain.

Don't worry the bottom line is because you care

Unexpectedly it turns out the other way around.

Unexpectedly you made a mistake.

Don't worry we're all not perfect.

Just when you assume you already gave your finest shot

But still not enough

And so you feel worn out, has nothing to give.

Has nothing to prove, a total loser.

Don't worry, God has a plan

Everything has reason, still try.

And when you anticipated being just real

But afterward you found out it's a big piece of phony shit.

Feeling intimidated, feeling gibberish.

Don't worry, you're worthy enough to be needed by others.

Exuberant Mere Man of Adventure in Nature

2006-08-13T16:09:00.001+08:00

Let the light swathe me, as you revealed direction to vast atmosphere.

Exuberant Mere Man of Adventure in Nature

Darkness unleashed, these friendship is my northern star.

But if you ignore it like you always do, then I should keep my foot further.

Let me tell you these.

I'm sincere, I cared a lot. You're my friend and so am I?

Seems you don't believe in me.

Seems you don't care.

You don't seem to listen.

Seems you're avoiding me like virus.

Have I done wrong?

Have I treated you unfair?

Did I caused you pain.

Or you just don't want to be bothered by this oblivion anymore.

So I let it go, I let it be. I respect you.

One thing is for sure. I don't want to lose a friend, not anymore. Not you.

But if you desire to treat me this way, then tell me. Just simply tell me.

So I won't be asking stupid question to you anymore.

hmmm...failure again

2006-01-20T15:15:00.001+08:00

just dnt know wat to feel wen i failed my application to accenture i feel really bad

like another failure. feeling depressed and stupid!! i dnt know where to go from here

im stocked but i do have choice, i need to have a good job, i deserve it.. feel i wanna

cry til my tears dry. im frustrated..really i am...

3xt3nd mY grAtiTud3...

2005-12-26T01:01:00.001+08:00

Hey!! Merry Christmas… after all I still know how to feel about Christmas… just like kids stuff Santa might not give me my Christmas gift coz its one of the most impossible gift. But I must wait… I believe in Him.

.I perhaps am suffering too much from this. Should I eliminate or should I escape?? Answer is erratic, depends on the pulse of my emotion, and depends on the force of the situation.

To all whom reach out there hands to give me a heart and hug through your presence, your encouragement helped me a lot to heal my wounded soul. I broke my control to let the rain fall. Finally, after those 200 days of pretending, I let go of the pain. My stronghold, my strength comes from you, you know who you are. Thank you very much!! and Merry Christmas to all of YÔU!!

ms.vianca

daba personal site

m3Lanc0Ly

2005-12-22T00:04:00.000+08:00

well, today its my end of contract..had this feeling of mixed emotion. I don't want to stay coz i hate my place and my situation here but i need JOB. I guess can't think of anything better but earning money and saving for the future. But HERE ?? i guess i got a blurred tomorrow

My co-workers are having so much fun here in our company, every other day they held christmas party and a lot of gift giving to all the regular employee. I maybe jealous coz i'm just a dust here. I feel so small as microscopic organism coz i don't have place just a piece of scratch. No chance of regular employment only contract basis and agency...hayyy

as of this moment in time.. I feel like unlucky enough. Unlucky for the family situation, job status, personal life and i guess feels like my world is tumbling down.

i just don't feel good.
but merry christmas 'vianca'

turning my back against the ideal

2004-07-23T23:24:00.001+08:00

it's july 2005. and its been a long since the last time i visit my blog..

there's been so many changes and chances that had pass by in my life, i didnt even mention it here.

i'm a fresh grad and facing problems concerning my first job. . . Im a college instructor right now, i must be glad coz am not "tambay" but I realized being part of the ACAD is not that simple.you need to meet standards specially in education. and at the young age (of 21..) its so difficult to "win" the proper respect from students.. hayy!! i guess i need to learn more and explore a little further.

besides, i'm young, fascinating and active.

life... fast phase

2004-06-25T14:59:00.002+08:00

life is really fades with time..though its a fast lane but if you decide ..you can define its worth

i almost forgot my blog... i been very busy this pass months... i realy need to finish school requirements..here i am... a new person full of hope and blessing..

i realized that we just have to be optimistic in taking lifes lesson.. beleive me it surely will work..

i miss my friends/barakada so much! the adakrabs..

lots,
vianca

things i never said...

2004-06-23T15:41:00.002+08:00

i rather die than confess... i rather hide than reveal whats inside... i never dare to say whats happening in my MOBILE world. i wasnt brave enough to share the millions of question that travels inside my mind. i'd rather fool you twice with the smile i usually wore than tell you that I'm hurting inside. I'm a lier....i never let my tears fell down in front of the people. letting them think that I'm not affected, that I'm BRAVE, that I'm a strong person.see???
I'm a total COWARD. what i show is the other side not the the real one... I'm afraid to show the so mine for I'm afraid for the reality to curse me. Not determined to fight for my decision....
I AM COWARD... i rather engrave the pain in my paper than reveal the sound of this anger....

drowned and covered

2004-06-17T23:04:00.001+08:00

hi!!!! another busy month for me..a lot of meetings and appointments with the VIPs of my institution..

anyway i just drop here in my blog to post new entry...its been a long time i havent write here. a lot of news about my MOBILE WORLD.. most of it are just shit. those things i really dont want to happened but i have no choice.......juat keep on trying to go with hells flow..

perhaps life is just like a game..a competition full of foolishness..full of sufferings and sacrifices..honestly i still cant find my reason not to wait for the better days... how can i change my mind... i been drowned in the oceans of dreams..and been covered with millions of rock from the valley of pains and angst.

still am alone....

*jha*

loosing a friend..?? ayoko na.

2004-05-25T10:55:00.000+08:00

friends come and go, sometimes leave us behind. like the wind that passes by....one line from the song "best friend" by Nelson del Castillo.a Line that seems owned thousands of meaning. and defines reality.
minsan iniisip ko kahit anong pilit nating wag masira ang friendship na inaalagaan natin eh lalong nawawala satin...sa lahat ng naging karanasan ko sa pakikipag deal sa mga tao, ang friendship ang may pinakamaskit na sugat. at ang nkakatawa pa eh lahat ata ng bahagi ng pag katao ko eh nababago.
bakit nga ba kelangan pang magbago eh okay naman ang friendship..bakit kelangn pang maging kakilala na lang ang dati'y bestfriend mo at kabahagi mo ng halos lahat ng bagay ng buhay mo..khati mo sa kaisaisang pandesal na kakainin mo sa umaga pati kape share pa kayo sa isang tasa. kapalitan mo ng pants pag sawa ka na ng porma ng sarili mong maong. kaunahan mo sa banyo tuwing late na kayo sa eskwela dahil sa pahabaan kayo ng tulog. kakanatahan sa lahat ng hits sa M.O.R. 93.9 kahit pareho kayong basag ang boses. katuwang sa lahat ng kagagahan at katangahang nagawa ninyo sa harap madlang people. katawanan sa mga nakakaiyak na bahagi ng buhay mo.
nauubusan ako ng rason sa sarili ko kung nagbabago??? dapat bang huwag nang magtanong at lunurin na lang ang sarili para tanggapin mo ang realidad na ipinipilit sayo?

nagtatanong lang... si ** jha **

20 on 20

2004-05-20T12:29:00.001+08:00

am already 20 yrs old...but i guess i dont change that much....people say youngster at age of 20 must act mature...acting mature wasnt according to age but according to your decision.i mean is it depends upon the situation.."am i going nonsense?"
my mind stops..so i think i need to park my brain right now...

2nd wik end edition...

2004-05-07T17:52:00.001+08:00

today, i dont have much work to do...actually i just make "tunganga" the whole day coz of the meeting...i just surf the net and enjoy reading blogs...
i think i cant sumbit an entry for the nest three days coz the i'm going to be a judge this coming monday and after my duty today i'm going home na sa sorsogon til monday...i'm gonna spend my three day vacation satisfying...got to go...

this is me------->coz i love talking

wag magtaka..may magbabago talaga

2004-05-06T19:06:00.001+08:00

i got a tiring day(kakatunganga sa computer)hehehe..wa magwang matino sa laboratory pero napagud ako sa lakas ng radiation dun sa monitor na ginamit ko...kya d na ako ngtaka kung bakit matapos kong l-kumain ng hapunan ay nakatulog na ako. nahiga lang nga ako at nag-enjoy lang makinig sa acoustic songs sa M.O.R. tapos ayon......zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. nkatulog n ako!! dati rati magbilang man ako ng sanlibong tumatalong tupa at abutan man ako ng hating gabi kakahile sa sarili ko eh di ako dalawin ng antok.

naalala ko ang anak (anak-anakan lang) ko...isa rin sya sa malimit na dahilan kung bakit nahihirapan akong matulog ng mahimbing. medyo nasanay din ako na andun lang sya sa bahay tumatakbo, naglalaro, nakikipag kulitan at nkikipag bugbugan sakin, at minsan nga kapag ako ang nagbabantay sa gabi katabi ko sa pag tulog(sinasampal ako nun pag di ko sya pinapansin o kya kinakalong), kaso i have a mobile world na sa isang ikot lang ng orasan eh dami na ng nagbabago...ayon kinuha sya ng ama nya at ang sbi di na daw makikita ng buong pamilya...sabi ko nga ano ba yon pinatikim lang ba kami?? siguro makikita ko sya pag binata na sya o kaya nag aaral na.***jha***

need to move on and do my THING...need to cling on to my DREAMS

2004-05-05T19:31:00.001+08:00

just got off from job training...seems i don't want to log off and go back to my boarding house coz i know i will be "again" left alone...but i guess i need to move on and do what i like to do ...and cling on to my DREAMS

isa sa aking maskara

2004-05-05T12:42:00.001+08:00

sa bawat parti ng mundo ko ay may isang maskara akong isinusuot dahil na rin sa katotohanang ako'y walang pag-aari ni isa man sa mga ito. ako'y walang mukhang matatawag na totoong AKO.

"kikay" ang pangalang naibigay sa mukhang isinasabuhay ko tuwing kapamilya at kamag-anak ang kaharap. masayahin at puno ng magagandang ideya ta pananaw, itinuturing na maaring magbigay ng katuparan sa mga natabunang pangarap. si kikay na bibuo dahil sa pangarap, pinalaki't inaruga upang mangarap at patuloy na binubuhay ng mundo upang tuparin itong pangarap.

nagnais ng pagbabago sa punong pinagmulan. naging halimbawa ang mga ugat nito, pati na mga sanga't dahon upang mithiin ang munting kahilingang mabuhay ng simple. naging bunga ng mga desisyong pinili sa walang pagpipiliang sitwasyon.

nagnais ding pawiin ang hirap na nadarama ng lahat ng kadugo. nangarap na sana isang salamanghero o diwata na isang kumpas ng kamay mangyayari ang anumang naisin.

sa murang edad naging saksi sa daloy ng sistema. di naglaon nilamon ng hapdi't pasakit ang kanyang batang damdamin. kinamuhian ang lahat ng naging opsyon at desisyon. hindi lang pala ang kanilang puno ang nabubulok ngunit lumalago pa kundi ang buong kagubatan, ang buong sosyudad. ngunit hindi mababayaran ang panahon upang bumalik at baguhin ang lahat ng pagkukulang o pagkakamali.

ang sabi "nauulit ang kasaysayan" , yan ay kung papahintulutan at paninindigan. ang lahat ay napagiisipan. kaya't anumang magiging lagay ng bukas ni kikay ay nakasalalay sa aking mga kamay.

from the word i-n-s-a-n-e....

2004-05-04T23:02:00.001+08:00

from the blog of misapplied, he suggested to put the words that first come to your mind from each letter of the word I-N-S-A-N-E, so this are my insane description:

I---> INTERESTING, b'coz of my insane ideas and ideals
N---> NATURAL, coz i live a natural lifestyle
S---> SHOCKER & SHAKER, fond of creating something that will change a life
A---> ARTISTIC, love of arts
N---> NAKED, i never hide any of my personality
E---> ENGRAVED, every thing that i've passed & came along my way will always be a part of my system, memories will remain and will never ever fade

** jha**

naninikip sa galit..

2004-05-03T21:19:00.001+08:00

can i use my own language " tagalog "where i can exactly define my feelings....?? i guess i will whether you all like it or not

naramdaman mo na bang parang wala nang taong magkagusto sayo.(deh yung crush ang ibig kong sabihin ha?) kundi parang belongingness na tinatawag.. at para kang isang buo na gawa sa kasalanan.
several months ago may sinagot akong isang kakaiba ngunit totoong nilalang dito sa mundo ko...then suddenly I found out it was a BIG shock to all the people around my mobile world..they been asking " why ka ba nagkaGanyan?? "as if i did the foolish decision ever in our stupid society and to our "history..." and from then on ang dami ng mis judgment nailathala sa aking biography. i been trying to fed up my own system not to mind all those bulong bulongan at predictions. But i was too eager to know why they keep on questioning my decision, where in fact we are free to decide and must be responsible to our own decisions..til the time my whole life was messed up.sometimes i want to shout them out to tell what's really inside me and whats my reason behind why i choose to love him than leave him...
naniniwala akong concern lang sila at ayaw na nasasaktan ako o masisira ang prinsipyo ko...but i want them to know and realize that whatever my decision is "kapraningan man sa ordinaryo nating mundo", magtiwala sana sila na hindi ko bibiguin ang pangarap ko. hindi ko man sinunod ang dikta ng sosyudad at daloy ng ating kultura...sinunod ko naman ang nakakapag papasaya sa mundo ko...walang iba kundi ang sarili ko.
nais ko ring sbihin na kapag nagmahal ang sinoman, kasama na po ang katotohanang tayo'y masasaktan...hehehe. baduy mang pakinggan ito'y totoo lang...tsaka naChallenge ako...heto ako ngayon kahit mag isa at kaaway ng buong mundo, lumalaban ako. (*nasasaktan ako tuwing nalalaman ko na kinakamuhian ako sa di ko malamang dahilan pero nirerespeto ko ang desisyong pinili nila)

***jha***

have you ever felt so terrible..horrible...invicible??

2004-05-02T13:38:00.002+08:00

have you ever felt so sad...treated so bad??

Have you ever felt so alone?
Where you only had yourself as a companion? Where you don't have any friends around…or even any living creature for you to talk. I been in that kind of anxiety,
I found myself so single-handedly fighting against solitude and restoring the optimistic illusion I had been several years ago. I really wanted to know if I'm just transforming from pupa to larva? I don't have any idea why countless questions squeezing inside my mind. A thousand of why's is eating me up alive.
Why….?? Lot's of things around this world exchanging their reasons and purposes but I was so foolish still I can't find my own intention…am I lost in my imaginative wild? Am I drowned in my own ocean….I got no idea