Soul Vacation

now am back from my soul vacation. i refused to put my pains and angst in here for the past years. i refused to share my alter ego to face my own weakness and fears. i decided to work on my "moving on" stage and letting go of this rage.

i swear, i'm angry as hell. im full of regrets. i even wanted that someone be dead, i wish he’ll end his life not with some heart attack or stroke but die on a terrible death, hit by 18 wheeler truck like that.. I want him suffer a lot. But I end up, healing myself, working hard for my precious one, dreaming again, and renewing self respect, most of all learned from this mistake and forgive.

Hell yeah, I decided to forgive but NOT forget. After all, that angst created too much wrinkles and blackheads, consumed 5kilos of my weight, caused me two year worth of callus in my hands and toes, pushed me beyond my limits and mold me into more mature person.

I consume my time reading and collecting books again. I even bought all the shoes I wanted to wear, oh of course the dresses and all that kikay stuff. I bake my cakes and cupcakes again. I’m glad I decided to play some musical instrument and embrace the artist side of me. I travelled a lot. Felt like im fifteen again. That five year relationship trapped my entire life like im on a blackhole. God’s good, He helped me a lot on my struggles.

I do still hate his guts. I can see that at this point he’s the one making things complicated. My son longed for a dad. I don’t take that away from him. I respect the father and son relationship is necessary. But he’s not worthy for somebody like him, who refuse to support him, who don’t bother to buy for a pair of shoes he asked from his dad. Not to mention the educational books I invested for my son’s future, he refuse to give it back.

One early morning after my son’s vacations in his father’s house, my sister asked me to call because my son was crying and asking where I was. I’m so worried and almost cried. She told me that he kept saying ‘Galit na mommy ko. Tita lamz galit na mommy ko’ while crying. Where did he get that? who the hell freaking stupid told him that I am angry and with whom?

I decided to calm myself down and talked to him over the phone, I ask why he’s crying. He didn’t answer me back maybe he’s still worried about me. So diverted the topic to his schooling and about the new songs he learned from teacher Agnes. I even asked him about his short vacation with his dad. He told its fine and he met his baby brother. I told him, that I’m not angry, that dad is happy so he must not worry about me.

Almost wanted to fly home after that call, I realized my son was worried and so sensitive ( at age of three). I know, he has a clue that its over for me and his dad. I wasn’t ready to explain it to him this time, but im willing to share everything slowly.

I thought I was piece of nonsense loser, some unlucky bitch when some people take everything away from me. but I’m stronger now. And I won’t put my guard down. I have my son.I am actually complete